Vampire Troubles
by Jaspercat
Summary: Draco is terrorizing the school. His vampire ways are making it hard for anyone to stop him. Can Harry, and his loyal friend Ron, save the day and perhaps get a piece of chocolate cake? Kinda funny…
1. Corridor Bites

Hermione sighed as she wandered up and down corridors of Hogwarts. The long-expected had finally happened. Hermione was forced out the library. The librarian had practically begged her to leave. It was now quarter to eight in the evening and the castle was empty and dark since the rest of the school was either in bed or in their common rooms.

Hermione, with her bulging schoolbag full of books, was on her way to the Gryffindor common room. It was very quiet. She whistled as to not feel scared. It wasn't working. Every time she turned a corner she would stop, gulp and study the hall in front of her. Shadows crept up on her from many places. Come on Herm, she told herself, no-one here, it's just you. She closed her eyes and took a deep breathe and let it out slowly.

She suddenly whipped around. Someone, or some_thing_, was down there. The corridor went darker. Light footsteps could be heard. Walking. Walking. Coming towards her at a fast pace. Hermione's eyes widened. She turned on her heel and ran. The thing behind her ran as well. I've got to get away from it, her mind screamed. She couldn't be that far away from the common room now, could she?

She didn't have time to look around to judge where she was, the running figure behind her pounced. Hermione screamed. The other person's body collided with hers and they tumbled to the ground. Hermione winced in pain. The individual on top roughly turned Hermione around so they were eye to eye.

Hermione gasped. 'Malfoy!'

She was too shocked to do anything. The boy on top of her put his mouth to her neck. He bit. He drank.


	2. Common Room Urges

Harry Potter, the saviour of the wizarding world, was sitting on an armchair in the Gryffindor common room in a slight pickle.

'Ron, my most loyal and dearest friend,' He said. The red head looked up.

'What is it, Harry?' Ron asked, eyeing Harry's pipe with worry.

'Do you notice anything…_odd_ about today?' Harry said. He took his pipe out of his mouth to stare meaningfully up in the air.

Ron thought for a moment before suddenly straightening up for his seat on the floor. 'Do you mean that it's odd that Hermione still isn't back from the library and she's been out all night and is still missing this morning?'

Harry gave his friend a don't-be-so-silly look. 'Come now, Ron,' he said, 'more important things first, please! We'll come back to Hermione later.'

Ron, slightly put out, asked 'what then?'

Harry leaned down to Ron and lowered his voice. 'It's odd that Tommy, the first year, who got sent twenty chocolate cakes for his birthday hasn't offered us a slice! I mean, he said he would share it equally among all Gryffindor, but I haven't got any yet!'

Ron stared.

'Well?' Harry cried

'The little git!' Ron said angrily.

'I know!' Harry said, throwing his hands in the air and throwing his body back up onto the armchair. 'But I suppose we must get back to the Hermione situation.'

'Of course,'

'So, what are we going to do about it?' Harry said.

They thought for a while. About five minutes later, Ron made a suggestion.

'Uh, get up?'

'Yes, that a very good suggestion, Ron, well done!' Harry smiled. It was a start after all.

Ron grinned triumphantly.

'Em, how about getting up and…going to breakfast?' Harry said slowly.

Ron nodded excitedly. 'Listen, how about getting up, going to breakfast and telling Dumbledore!'

Harry couldn't hide his admiration for his friend. Ron was just so smart!

'And, during that, we could search chocolate cake!' Harry cried.

'Yeah!' Ron shouted, punching the air with his fist.

They got up from their seats, Harry from his armchair and Ron from his floor. (If you're wondering why Ron was on the floor it was from the lack of chairs in the common room and, let's face it, Harry won.).

They were nearing the exit as Tommy, the generous first year, passed them.

'Hey Tom, we gotta bone to pick with you!' Harry said.

'Yeah,' Ron said pathetically.

Tommy stared up at the two tall sixth years that were Harry and Ron. 'Yes?'

'And don't act smart!' Harry said.

'Yeah,' Ron repeated.

'Well, what is it?' Tommy asked.

'Where's my chocolate cake?' Harry demanded.

'Yeah!'

'Um, I ran out. There none left, sorry!' Tommy ran away.

Harry turned to Ron. 'So where now?'

AN hiya, I wanted to add some humour in, so please tell me what you think!


	3. Surprises and the Lack of Cake

The two Gryffindor boys spent twenty minutes travelling from the Common Room to the Great Hall. They didn't usually take this long since on a normal morning they weren't craving chocolate cake. Not one pupil went passed them with out being questioned.

'Do you have any chocolate cake?'

The small Ravenclaw girl shook her head, making her pig tails fly in the air.

'Do you have any chocolate cake?' Ron asked a group of fifth years, who mumbled each a 'no'.

'Man, doesn't ANYONE have any?' Harry cried, as he and Ron entered the Great Hall.

'Dunno, mate…'

The first thing they noticed when sitting at the Gryffindor table was that no-one was paying any attention to them. All the pupil and staff were talking rapidly amongst themselves. Harry and Ron looked at each other, sharing confused looks. Harry turned in his seat to face the Hufflepuff table.

'Hey, you!' Harry said, rather rudely, to a Hufflepuff boy. The boy looked at him.

'What?' then realizing who it was who had called on him he suddenly changed his annoyed expression to a sympathetic one. 'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about Hermione, everyone knows how close friends you three were.'

Quite a few people turned their gaze on Harry, who was getting irritated for two reasons. One, he had know idea what the boy was on about. Two, there wasn't any cake whatsoever in sight.

'What? What are you on?' Ron said crossly.

The boy was taken back. 'Haven't you heard of the news?'

'Haven't you heard of the boy who went to hospital after withholding information from another?' Harry said, gritting his teeth.

It took a moment for the Hufflepuff to get the message. 'Hermione's been attacked.' He sniffed.

'Again?' Ron cried, remembering their second year.

'Yes,' said a girl, 'but this time by a vampire.'

'WHAT!' Harry and Ron both yelled.

Before there were more details, a prefect approached them. 'Potter, Weasley, Dumbledore wishes to see you.'

'But…but…'Harry stumbled.

'Now!'

'Ah, Mister Potter, Mister Weasley, do come in.' Dumbledore welcomed. 'do sit down, I have terrible news.'

Harry took the only spare seat in the office. Ron was left to look around and settle himself on the floor next to the desk. 'If this is about the lack of chocolate cake then we already know.' Harry said.

Dumbledore shook his head. 'No, it's about the horrible incident concerning Miss Granger.'

'Oh yeah, we know that too.'

'but not all the facts,' Ron piped up. 'Headmaster, how did a vampire get in? when and where did the attack happen?'

'and where's all the cake?' Harry said, slamming his fist into the table before pulling it up to his chest to nurse away the pain.

Ignoring Harry, Dumbledore answered, 'Miss Granger was returning from the library around eight o'clock, I believe. She was found this morning, drained of blood, but still alive!'

'Hallelujah!' Harry shouted.

'Yes, quite…' Dumbledore said. 'We expected no-one to own up to it, but to our surprise Mister Mal-'

'Sir! I shall make it our duty to find out who's behind this!' Ron cried, standing up.

'Er, Ron?' Harry said, 'I think the headmaster was saying someone already confessed.'

'Oh, right, ok…' Ron said quietly, trying to hide his embarrassment while returning to his 'seat'.

Dumbledore was quite annoyed now. 'ANYWAY, Mister Malfoy has already told me he did it.'

'Ah, crumble under all the pressure did he?' Harry said happily.

'Well, no, not really. In fact, he seemed rather proud to be a blood-sucking creature…'

'Never fear, headmaster!' Ron said, standing once more. 'Harry and I will clean up this one-horse town, I mean, castle and return it to the safe, interesting place it once was!'

'Gee, Ron.' Harry said, 'When has it ever been safe AND interesting?'

'Point taken.'

'But anyway sir!' Harry said, turning to the headmaster. 'Ron is right, to a certain extent; someone needs to help the pupils of Hogwarts. And we're just the right people for the job!'

'Oh, no…' the headmaster sighed.

'Ron!' Harry cried, 'Let's solve this, erm, mystery!

'Yeah!'

They ran to the door. Harry's arm accidentally hit the pensive and there was a loud smashing noise.

'And I will pay for that!' Harry said before shutting the door.

On the way down the steps from Dumbledore's office, Ron asked, 'Harry, will you really pay for the damage?'

'ptth, no.'


	4. Hiya lone Vampire!

It was rather a peculiar sight, seeing two boys in the dungeons. Well, in the dungeons dressed as famous detectives.

Harry Potter had his nose touching the floor, magnifying glass in use, looking for clues. Wearing a Sherlock coat and a funny hat, Harry cried out as he spotted something.

'What is it Harry?

Ron shoved his friend aside ('Aaii!' said Harry) and looked hard at the clue. Ron, dressed in a suit Harry forced him to wear, and wore a fake moustache. 'It'll help get you in character, my ear Watson, I mean, Weasley!' Harry had said.

'Um, Harry, it's just a fly…'

Harry shot his finger in the air as if establishing a point, 'Aha! Not just a fly Ron, a **_black_** fly, which you would NOT want to kiss!'

Ron looked up, 'uh, right, mate…'

Harry dropped his character, 'Ron! Sherlock and Watson didn't live in times when they called each other 'mate'! It wouldn't have been right!'

'But I don't know this Watson guy…'

'He's an important part of history, Ron, do keep up!'

'Wasn't he fictional?'

'…'

'Harry?'

'Shut up Ron,' Harry sniffed, suddenly returning to character, 'ANYWAY, interrogate the suspect, and ask if he's seen anything **_unusual_**…'

Ron shrugged and began poking the bug on the ground. 'Confess! Confess!'

Harry, meanwhile, went back to searching for more clues. Nose back on the stone slabs he walked further. 'Clues, clues, clues! Where are you?' Harry sang. He stopped as he walked into someone. He slowly looked up into the smirking face of Draco Malfoy.

'Ron?'

'Yeah, Harry?'

'It just hit me.'

'What's two little defenceless Gryffindore's doing in a dark, dangerous place like this?' Malfoy smirked as he held our favourite Harry and Ron in his fists. He held them against the wall and this did not suit our hero's at all. Both being slightly shorter than the Slytherin, Harry and Ron also lacked the vampire strength that held them up in the first place. 'Well?' Malfoy asked.

'Now wait a dog-gone minute here, buster!' Harry snapped, 'you'd better drop us right now or I'll give you the glaring of a lifetime!'

'And I'll give you the frowning of a lifetime!' Ron added.

Harry glared. Ron frowned.

Malfoy faked being hurt, 'oh no, stop it or I might just die on the spot!'

Ron missed the sarcasm, 'its working, Harry, keep going!'

Malfoy rolled his eyes in desperation. When had my two rivals started being such dorks? He thought

'We are not!' Ron cried.

'What?' Malfoy said.

'We are not dorks!'

'But how did you know I thought that?'

'Um, you thought out loud, then,' Harry, 'are you feeling ok? You look pale,' said Harry felt his forehead, which was cold due to the plain fact he was no longer a complete human.

Malfoy sneered at Harry's hand and dropped the Gryffindore's to the floor.

'OOHya!'

'Bugger!'

'I'm a vamp, Potter, of course I'm pale,' Malfoy smiled evilly, 'and as a vampire, I'm hungry…'

Ron gave him a questionable look, 'well, get a McDonalds then,'

'I'm not hungry for the food you eat…'

'Oh, so McDonalds isn't good enough is it?' Ron snapped, crossing his arms childishly.

Harry went into deep thought, 'Don't vampires drink….something…'

'Oh yeah, what do they drink again?' Ron asked, also going into deep thought along with Harry.

Malfoy growled, 'we drink bl-'

'No, no! Malfoy, don't help us' Harry interrupted, '…it's-it's on the tip of my tongue…'

'And in the rest of your body, I might add…'Malfoy snarled.

'OH OH! I know! Ron cried, 'DR PEPPER!'

Stares.

'Cola?'

'Man, how dumb are you!' Malfoy yelled. He grabbed Harry by the shoulders and said, 'We-drink-blood!'

Harry stared. Malfoy glared. Harry stared some more. Harry laughed. 'but I'm not blood, I'm Harry!'

He stopped laughing as he fell to the ground again as the vampire stormed away.

'What's his problem?' Ron asked.

'Who knows? Anyway, where's my hat?'


	5. Chapter 5

'I might've guessed it would take you two twice as long to find the hospital wing.' Hermione muttered as Ron and Harry came into the infirmary.

'Please Miss,' Harry said, raising both hands in a defensive gesture, 'we detectives like to get straight to the point and we hate wasting time.' He turned to Ron. 'Watson slash Weasley, take notes!'

Ron whipped out a notebook and a pen, the pen flew out of his hands and hit Hermione in the eye.

'Ouch!'

'Excuse me Miss,' Ron snapped, 'that's MY pen, thank you very much!'

He snatched up his pen and began writing 'the victim likes taking other peoples things…this is probably due to the victim's trauma…'

'Ron,' Harry said, 'Please keep it to yourself!'

Ron went quiet.

'Anyway, we would like to stop anything bad happening to innocent pupils at Hogwarts and we would like to know what happened to help us on this project.' Harry said, he then smiled because he sounded so grown up, his mother would be proud.

'Well' Hermione sighed, 'You can start by getting a brain cell between you,' Ron wrote this down, 'another suggestion is to stop your things hitting other people, and also, keep creatures like Malfoy under control!' Ron did not write the last suggestion because he did not know how to spell 'Malfoy'.

'Aha!' Ron yelled, 'I found a clue!' he jumped to Hermione's side. 'Hey Sherlock, she has two holes in her neck!'

Harry fell over. He accidentally saw Hermione's underwear so after getting up he fell over again. 'Ah so what do you say to THAT miss?'

Growling, Hermione sat up. 'I say it's rather convenient as I DID get bitten by a vampire last night!'

Harry went to say something incredibly clever, but then said 'hold on'. Then, He and Ron re-read chapters 1, 2, and 3. Together they both said 'OOOOOOOOHHHH.'

They turned to Hermione. 'Dreadfully sorry miss.'

Then Harry ran off to follow up on a hunch he just had. 'That's him got a hunch' Ron said. 'He has to get rid of it by noon or else he'll become a hunchback.'

There was silence. Ron then began to feel edgy. 'I feel edgy,' He said. Hermione smiled a scary smile. 'That smile is scary, stop it.'

'Ron,' Hermione said, 'Come here, I need to tell you something in secret.'

Ron, being the stupid, gullible red head we all know and love, went to her and bent so she could whisper in his ear. After a few second he felt a pain in his neck. It then felt wet. Pulling away he said, 'Can you wait a minute? It appears my neck has decided to bleed for no apparent reason. He walked off to the bathroom.

'No…please Malfoy, don't!'

Draco grinned. 'Why shouldn't I Weasley?'

Ginny felt her back hit the wall behind her. 'Damn walls…'

Draco approached her. 'Now turn your head slightly, it'll hurt less when I…bite!'

Ginny squeezed her eyes shut put her head down. Draco moved her hair away from her neck and went in for the kill when-

'Oi, ferret features!'

Draco sighed in exasperation. 'What do you want Potter?'

Harry walked over to them. 'Sorry to bother you, oh hi Ginny, anyway, after reading chapters 1, 2 and 3 I just had to ask you something.'

Draco looked at him in annoyance. 'Shoot.'

'Shoot what?'

'It means go ahead, ask your question.'

'Why not just say that then?'

'What?'

'Why not just say 'go ahead' or 'ask your question'?'

'Just…its shorter just to say shoot, it would be-crap Potter just ask me the bloody question so I can get back to lunch!'

Ginny quivered.

'I'm sorry for holding you back, I just have to know, are you a vampire?'

Draco looked at the audience, 'See what I have to deal with? And you lot thought HE was the smart one…'

'Draco, please stop talking to those people,' Harry said politely.

'Potter, go and read chapter 4.' Draco said in fake politeness.

Harry re-read chapter 4. 'Oh I see, sorry I forget things quickly.'

Draco shook his head and turned back to where Ginny had been. 'What the-Where the hell is she?'

'Oh, are you meaning Ginny?' Harry asked, 'She ran off after we mentioned the whole 'lunch' thing. I should remind her that there is no running in school corridors…'

Draco turned back to him, furious. His voice turned grave and threatening. 'Potter…she was my lunch…I'm hungry…I want some blood…'

'And I want some more parents! The last ones were bloody useless!'

'No,' Draco said quietly, as if talking to a child, 'You don't understand…I'm hungry for blood. You let her get away, therefore…I will have you…'

Harry laughed at him, much to the vampire's annoyance. At first it was a giggle, then a chuckle, then a quiet laugh, then a normal laugh, then a loud laugh, and soon Harry was on all fours, howling. Then he realized Draco was not kidding. He shot up 'You're not kidding…oh crap,' He then ran.

For four hours Harry was chased by Draco. He hid in boxes, behind tables and twice he dressed up as a maid and got past the vampire that way, but by the third time, Draco realized most female maids who wear short dresses have breasts and they certainly do not have hairy legs. So, Harry had to abandon his costume and run like a mad man. Finally, Draco had him cornered.

'Aha! I have you cornered!' Draco cried. They were in the Owlery, with hundreds of owls gazing at them. Draco licked his lips and stared at Harry's neck longingly.

'Good for you,' Harry replied, 'but I have another question. Are you gay?'

Draco stood straight with an insulted look. 'I am insulted! Of course not!'

'Oh good, just the look you were giving…'

Draco blushed slightly. 'Well I assure you I am perfectly heterosexual.'

'Ok, I believe you…'

'I'm serious! Really!'

'Then why would you bite me? I'm a boy after all.'

Draco spluttered, 'That means nothing to vampires! All we care about is blood, not the sex.'

After ten minutes of Harry laughing his butt off, Draco continued.

'Just let me see your neck, Scarhead,'

Harry obeyed, sniggering a little. Draco bent to bite.

'Oh no you don't, Buster!'

Draco growled angrily. He and Harry looked towards the door. Watson, I mean Ron, stormed in.

'Get off him right now!'

'Oh, hello Watson,' Harry smiled pleasantly.

Draco turned to the red head, who was looking rather pale and cold. Harry observed that the way the other two boys were standing looked like two cowboys in a showdown in an old western film. 'ooh,' Harry muttered, turning his attention to a passing ball of tumble weed as it rolled by.

'Get out of here, Weasley,' Draco snarled, 'or Potter won't be the only one getting hurt,'

Ron pulled himself up to his full height, 'Too late, Malfoy, dear boy, I'm already turned.'

Draco's face went into shock mode before he shook it off and lunged at Ron. Ron then did a quick movement with his arms and left foot, sending Draco right back and flying out the large open window.

'Whoops…' Draco said in faint surprise. Harry ran to the window and stared down as Draco got nearer and nearer to the ground. But, to Harry's surprise, Draco never made it to the hard ground, as Draco screamed and tried to protect himself from the sunlight. But slowly his skin was red and was burning. Smoke was coming off him and Harry sneezed as Draco blew up into tiny, yucky pieces.

A few first years who just so happened to be walking down below, gazed up in wonder at the raining flesh.

Harry raised his eyebrows. 'Well, that's that done.' He then admired the sunset. 'What a beautiful sunset, eh Ron? It's hardly surprising now that Draco didn't sunbathe that much, who would if that was going to happen? Ha ha!'

There was silence behind him. 'Ron? One thing I don't quite get…What did you mean when you said it was too late and you were already turned?' Silence. The sound of cutting flesh, 'oh sorry, I'll just wait till you're done sucking my neck…'

END

AN sorry I'm not in the 'humour mood' right now, so this chapter is kinda bad…

But I hope you enjoyed the story, I had to finish it since I never update and I can't really think of any way I can go on, although I'm sure you have loads of ideas:D Thanks for the support! Much appreciated.


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